I started going to church on Saturday nights a few years ago. I realized that it was the most genius way to get showered and dressed only once per weekend and stay in pajamas the next day. So, as I was singing loudly and obnoxiously through the worship set tonight, I had some sort of an epiphany. Something I already knew and speak of to others; but it was something that really sank deep into my heart seemingly for the first time. As I stood there belting out the lyrics to Hillsong United’s “Sinking Deep” I found myself feeling more and more like a fraud.
Last week I heard a statistic that more than 50% of adults are now single. Although I did zero fact checking on that number, it shocked me and I believe it. That number seems to be pretty much in line with the numbers of the Motherhood small group that I attend, with me being one of the single ones. One of the side notes that the radio DJ added to the statistic was the large number of adults simply choosing to be single as a way of life and never looking to marry. Whilst I understand the comfort and freedom that comes from doing what I want, when I want and having nobody to answer to, I think that’s mostly bull. God created us for relationships; relationship with a partner, our families, our children and our friends. You can find happiness in that life for sure but true joy cannot be reached without people. God did not create us to go through life alone. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We are supposed to pour our gifts onto others and at the same time allow others to pour into our lives. But in talking to most of my single friends (whether they’ve been married in the past or not, have children or not) the most common thing weighing on them is finding the right man to spend the rest of their lives with. Don’t we all want that happy ending?
“I’m wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace And all my heart is Yours”
Is it? Is ALL my heart His? I’ve heard this song a few dozen times and sang along with my arms stretched wide. But is it His? Or am I putting all this stuff that I want or that I think I deserve for Him to give me above having Him in my heart and a relationship with Him?
“Your face is all I seek, you are my everything.”
Your face is all I seek. All I seek. Is it? No. The answer is no. It’s not. You are my everything. My everything? I realized that was also another big no. I’d like to tell myself that both of those statements are true but let’s be real…. the truth is that I get SO hung up on my struggles, wants and the things that I feel I’m entitled to that I seek those things first. And not just wants but mine and my children’s needs also. I put those things first and THEN I reach out to God, even though He’s always provided for us and never once let us down. I try my hardest and when I fail then I turn to Him. God tells us to seek FIRST His kingdom and all of these things will be given to us, not the other way around.
“Jesus Christ, You are my one desire”
Man. That one stung. MY ONE DESIRE.
Before I continue I should probably state my position on singlehood. I’ve been divorced for 3.5 years. I’m co-parenting two of the most handsome boys on earth with their father and fostering two others on my own. That makes FOUR children. I am perfectly content in my current situation. I love coming home, jumping into pajamas and having PB&Js for dinner if that’s what I feel like we should do that day. In fact, I couldn’t even fathom the idea of having some other person as part of my routine messing up my groove right now.
As I sang those lyrics “my one desire” I realized that I wasn’t being honest. I want so much more. So as I desire so much more, am I then putting this person and my desires with this person above God? As I pray to God for His will to be done, for His guidance and direction am I ignoring His instructions until I get what it is that I think I want?
The truth is that I’m not ready and God knows this. As I sit here waiting so impatiently, God is working on my heart. I’ve tried the wife thing before. And I was ok at it then but mostly really immature and my temper was out of control. I started too young and before I was ready. When I do this again I want to be a great wife. Not just a good one. I need more patience. I need more understanding. I need to be able to hand the reigns over to that man and let him be the strong, nurturing, God-fearing man that I say that I want to lead my family. God is really working on my control issues right now and I know that I wouldn’t be ready to do that now. Or maybe it’s the opposite of that? Maybe sometimes I’m so tired that I want my knight in shining armor show up and rescue me? But again, if someone “rescued” me now (I don’t need rescuing….) will I then learn to lean on that person and forget to give God all the glory He deserves?
This week God has shown me that He really is all that I need. He has shown me that when I’m hurting the most, to cover that pain in His love. His perfect love. This week I learned that God really is my provider and He will always come through and give us what we need even when it seems impossible. He did the impossible for us this week. This week I learned that God will send us the people we need to fill those areas where we need them and that in turn He will send us to the people that need us.
And so I’ve decided to set out on a journey for God to be all that I seek. For God to be my everything. And for Him to be my ONE desire.
“All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into Your love, oh your love”
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ~Matthew 6:33 NKJV